How I plan to get all bikini coffee stands closed for good.


Bikini baristas will be searching for new work after I launch my campaign against the coffee stands that are ruining the drive through experience for coffee lovers everywhere. Tales have surfaced of parents stopping for a blended mocha and cocoa for the kids only to find scantily clad gals offering up beverages and peep shows. Complaints of lines lasting almost an hour long just for a glimpse of the barista with stickers on her nipples. With new stands popping up all over the map and established stands wanting to stay competitive and keep their loyal male customer base by switching over, I can no longer stand idly by.

In my last post, I likened the girls who work at these stands to strippers who can't fully commit to taking off all their clothes. While I meant the remark to be flippant, I realized that the large of amount of tips and male attention over their bodies, probably has a large amount of appeal to many of these girls. Girls, who if approached by someone in the business, would most likely take the next step toward nude exotic dancing. It is widely agreed that stripping is a gateway job to porn. Since most actresses in the adult industry are addicted to some form of drug, it becomes quite clear that the bikini barista job is a gateway to porn and drug abuse.

My plan is simple and is broken down in two main parts. First, I will contact my local Labor and Industries department and inform them of the unsafe working conditions at these stands. Baristas are preparing extremely hot beverages and working with heavy equipment. As such, employees are required to wear clothing that will protect their skin from burns and closed toe shoes to protect their feet from any heavy object falling on them. My calls will be frequent and regular until the stands are forced to put clothes back on their employees or shut down due to constant fines. Also, I will have an assistant drive to these stands and order dangerously hot over sized drinks during peak business when the baristas are most frantic and prone to accident.

Phase two is something I refer to as RCW 9A.88.010 - Indecent exposure. As mentioned above, parents driving through these stands with children in the back are not expecting their children to get a peak of what lies ahead. Turns out, my state has a law in place that prevents someone from obscenely exposing them self in such a way that is
likely to cause reasonable affront or alarm to the other person. This crime is a misdemeanor unless the exposure happens to a person under the age the 14 in which case you are committing a gross misdemeanor. I realize that what is legally considered obscene and what isn't is up to a judge to decide, but my plan is to force these stands into a painstaking legal battle of which there is no hope for escape or victory.

Who's with me?

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Baristas are preparing extremely hot beverages and working with heavy equipment. As such, employees are required to wear clothing that will protect their skin from burns and closed toe shoes to protect their feet from any heavy object falling on them."

Under these standards, jeans and a t-shirt wouldn't be enough either. I've had hot drinks spilled on myself before, and even through a pair of jeans I sustained burns. If you don't want to be hypocritical about this, demand that all baristas wear thick protective clothing, preferably something that hot coffee can't easily penetrate to get to your skin. Not to mention (steel-toed) boots capable of protecting your feet from a falling espresso machine.

Chase said...

Hey, I'm for whatever clothing and foot wear is considered regulation, be it steel toed shoe or full body armor. If the Departmant of Labor and Industries requires some type of protective clothing but does not mandate something sufficient enough for real safety, I don't think that makes me the hypocrite. That just means that someone needs to call their local Congress Rep.

Rob said...

This is just my opinion, but were I in your shoes I wouldn't be trying to get the government to shut this place down. There aren't any laws that explicitly cover what they're doing, and in that case it's usually better to let the free market work this out on its own.

If enough people are bothered by this place, they'll get less customers and it will cease to be a profitable business. If enough people like the place to keep it running, then they have every right to stay open. So long as they aren't breaking the law -- and you haven't shown that they're necessarily doing so -- then they should be allowed to provide their services to the market that wants them. Just my two cents.

Chase said...

I have to disagree Rob. I think these girls are in danger by not wearing clothing that can protect them from burns and I think they ARE breaking the law when they are wearing pasties over their nipples alone with a small pair of panties. I would consider that indecent exposure especially to any children in the vehicle. If someone doesn't raise awareness in their community, how will the free market find out about it? When somebody gets injured or sued?? By then, it is too late. Besides, I just want to stop them from taking over because I don't want to wait an hour for my latte.

RC said...

this is all very interesting...i certainly haven't heard of coffee stands like this before?

As long as this issue is important to you, you will have to keep us updated on your protest of these stands.

I tend to have more of a "market approach" to this issue, which for me means I'm more saddened by the state of our culture and demand and willingness to buy coffee because of the lack of clothes that the employee is wearing, but...it's a tough call to find illegality in it and it would seem that if there is a health danger that legal obligation falls upon the employer.

AbbeyFamily said...

I with you brother! At the VERY least, they should have adequate signage so people will know what they are getting into. Painted pink with cute trim give no indication what you are being exposed to. The lousy thing is that if people were to protest in front of the stand, they would probably get in trouble. You should write a petetion for the fall ballot. I would sign it and gather sigs for you. We could start a PAC

Chase said...

If we could call it a posse instead of a PAC, I'll do it.

Anonymous said...

What an idiot you are

Chase Roper said...

Is that a rhetorical question?

Did spell rhetorical right?

Vincenzo said...

Is "Is that a rhetorical question?" a rhetorical question?