Some news jokes

Sometimes (often times) the news jokes I send in for one of my awesome gigs don't quite make the cut. I don't think that means they shouldn't be read at all. Since I have no standards for quality on my own site, I will share them here. Enjoy.

Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe has denied allegations that he was smoking marijuana at a party. He did admit however to using the engorgio charm on himself in Hermione's Chamber of Secrets.


Facebook announced that it will not delete the profiles of deceased users and instead will turn them into memorial pages. These new living dead profiles will not be able to comment on other users updates, but can "like" them or "eat brains."


Two Northwest pilots admitted to  being distracted by their laptop computers while flying, causing them to miss their destination by 150 miles. Sen. Al Franken has called for a ban on the use of personal laptops in the cockpit.

"We don't tolerate texting while driving and we're certainly not standing for it while flying," Franken said in a statement. He then added that he still believes the pilots are good enough, smart enough and emphatically added, "gosh darn it, people like them."

Officials are upset over the portrayal of mental illness in a New Jersey area haunted called "Asylum of Terror." Officials have had complaints from dozens of people who are upset by the show’s portrayal of the mentally ill as violent and scary.

"I love Halloween, but there must be another way to celebrate it," said the executive director of the Council on Mental Health Stigma. She then recommended that the haunted house focus on less horrific icons suffering from dementia, paranoia, or violent sociopathic behaviors like Glenn Beck or Kate Goselyn.


Two sophomore girls have sued their school district after they were punished for posting sexually suggestive photos on MySpace during their summer vacation.

In other news: people are still using Myspace.


Public health officials want to help dispel rumors about dangerous side effects surrounding the new H1N1 vaccine. According to a new study, "hundreds of people on any given day will die, develop the paralyzing Guillain-Barre syndrome or have spontaneous abortions, which doesn't necessarily mean that their swine flu vaccination shot was to blame."

In other words, people who get the swine flu vaccination may possibly also develop the paralyzing Guillain-Barre syndrome, have spontaneous abortions, or die by the hundreds on any given day.


Game developer, Infinity Ward revealed this week that along with a violent airport scene wherein gamers can shoot civilians, "Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare" will also allow people to play from a terrorists perspective. Enemy weapons will include RPG's, suicide bomb vests, and goat f*ckng.

Former Full House child star, Jodi Sweetin admitted this week on the Today Show to having problems with drug abuse in her past. She told Matt Lauer that for 23 minutes she was severely addicted to alcohol, cocaine, and meth but after Uncle Jesse caught her in the back yard snorting a line, he and her dad and Uncle Joey sat her down and taught her to the true dangers of drugs. Also, Michelle asked for some ice cream and it was  quote, "really really cute."


Republicans are fuming over recent reports that Al Gore stands to become the world's first Carbon Billionaire. Gore denies accusations of profiteering through his Global Warming policies and is proud to be active in business in this country. He also added that he's excited to see how well that internet thing he started pays off.

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